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Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

Because sometimes a status update just isn't enough.

17 November 2011

Saggy Boobs Are Totally The New Black

*Author's note:  I'd like to apologize in advance... this blog kind of got away from me so I just went with it.  This blog contains images that may be disturbing to some viewers.  Viewer discretion is advised.  No boobs or belly buttons were harmed in the writing of this blog.  Remember... I WARNED YOU.


I had to run to the store super early this morning because I was, of all things, out of coffee. 


I know, right??!!


I was going to make Dan go get me some last night, but he is still sick and whiny and his cold has "moved" into his chest (I'm trying super hard not to think about those disgusting little green blobs on the Mucinex commercial, because they make me want to hurl, but now, of course, that's all I think about when someone mentions that  their "cold is moving" into their chest.  Thank you for that visual, People of Mucinex.  Thank you so freaking much.)


"Which way to Dan's chest?"


So anyway, I didn't feel like going either (Top Model was on... I needed to prepare for my evening with Tyra and give myself a pep talk in case Angelea made it through yet another elimination... Really, Tyra?  Like that Ghetto Whore is going to be the face of Italian Vogue?!  GET RID OF HER!!!!!!!).  


So yeah, I had more important things to do.  Which means I had to be out and about in the wee early hours because mama ain't starting her day without coffee, yo.


Morning arrived way before I was ready for it and the knowledge that I had to crawl out of my warm, comfy bed made my caffeine addiction seem almost... cruel.  Curse thee, caffeine, and your soul nourishing, life enhancing properties!!  Course thee and your kind!


I waffled with the idea of taking a shower, making myself presentable, and then running to the store.


I decided I didn't give a rat's ass at that hour of the day who saw me, what I was wearing, and how my armpits smelled.  I wanted coffee ASAP.


I rolled out of bed, put on a sweatshirt and jeans, shoved my ugliest pair of UGGs on my feet, stuck a hat on my head, and shuffled out the door.


That's right, people...


I didn't bother with any *cough* supportive undergarments.


I went to the Big M... 


braless.

"Where's the fucking coffee, bitches?"


And I didn't care.


If it's good enough for Meg Ryan, it's good enough for me.  (And in my defense, I had on a hat so my hair didn't look like... that.  Which means I'm better than you, Meg Ryan.  Suck on it!)


"Uncombed hair?  Check.  No make-up?  Check.  Saggy tits?  Check, check, and check!"

I think I'm becoming something of a trend-setter.  People all over the world are saying, "If DANI can go braless in public, why can't I?"  


I AM THEIR LEADER.




"Come on, everybody!!  Let's burn our bras and follow Dani!"  




"Quick!!  She went that way!!"




"Wait, Dani!!  Wait for me!!"



"Do you know Dani?  This was her idea."



"Dani rocks."


"Hold on, Dani.... I'm coming...  I just need to put some pants on..."



"Heeeeeeeere's JOHNNYYY!  Heh heh... Thanks to Dani, I now get more chicks than guys withOUT boobs!"


"I'm not just a member of Dani's fan club, I'm also the president."
Sorry, Michael Kors... I know I stole your thunder by coming out with the saggy boobs before you could rock the Topless Protruding Belly Button.  Better luck next year.


"Curse you and your sagging tits!  CURSE YOU!!"